How I Decided to Have Another Baby

I understand that the choice of whether to have a second (or first or third or fourth...) baby is the luxury of the young and fertile. The privilege of those with access to effective birth control and partners who respect their desires. Since I (gratefully) fall into these categories, I write from this perspective.

Before I had my first baby (C) I couldn't understand why anyone would opt out of parenthood. Then, the moment he was placed in my arms, I understood. I was forever changed; the load was heavy, almost too much to bear. The transition to motherhood didn't happen for me the way I thought it would. The first year was the hardest of my whole life. Before we had children I thought we might have 3. I imagined a sunlit, chaotic, beautiful home, with children laughing and yelling and and me sitting contentedly, admiring all I had created. After we had one, I wasn't sure I could do it again.

My husband and I plodded along through C's first and second years wondering if and when we should add to our family. I disliked pregnancy and the anxiety and loss of autonomy that came with it, and felt similarly about breastfeeding. As we watched C grow and be the absolute light of our lives and many around us, it became harder to shake the feeling that we wanted to grow our family. At the same time, as he grew, everything became easier, and I would fantasize about a life of travel, simplicity, and flexibility. 

We eventually did decide we wanted another. I considered it an investment. Unlike the choice to try for C, which was almost completely emotional, the decision to try for number two was almost completely intellectual. I saw our family with two older kids, and even two adult children. I was willing to tolerate another pregnancy and a certain amount of breastfeeding to get there. Now that I had a toddler, I understood that those early days pass quickly, and that two years of pregnancy and caring for a newborn would be worth it in the long run.

As with most things in life, it wasn't that simple. I had a pregnancy that I lost before my second son (A) was born. I'm not quite ready to write about it here, but it was an early loss, and I am ok. The experience made me jumpy, and I felt like the universe was sending me a message that I shouldn't or couldn't have more babies. So we stopped trying for awhile, and started the loop of questioning ourselves again. One would be easier, cheaper, calmer... but...

Six months later we were ready again. This time, all went according to plan. Our two boys ended up 3.5 years apart, which is spacing that has worked very well for us. (Though as my mom has correctly pointed out, everyone thinks the spacing of their own children is "perfect.") There are days when I still wonder what it would have been like to have an only child, but mostly I sit contentedly and admire the beautiful chaos I have created.

Podcasts for Pregnancy and Parenthood

I don't know about you, but I love podcasts. Especially after having kids I found it a great way to stay connected to the outside world and to learn new things. Here I've compiled some of my favorite shows and highlighted episodes that focus on pregnancy and parenthood. Enjoy!

The Birth Hour

"The Birth Hour helps expecting and new mothers understand their birthing options through authentic birth stories so they are informed and empowered going into pregnancy, birth and postpartum."

Dear Sugar 

"Hosted by the original Sugars, Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond, Dear Sugar Radio fields all your questions — no matter how deep or dark — and offers radical empathy in return." Check out their episodes about whether or not to have a baby, the guilt of motherhood, and moms who hate motherhood.

The Longest Shortest Time

"The Longest Shortest Time is a bold, daring podcast about parenthood in all of its forms. But you don’t need to be a parent to listen. We tell stories about the surprises and absurdities of raising other humans—and being raised by them."

Radiolab

"Radiolab is a show about curiosity. Where sound illuminates ideas, and the boundaries blur between science, philosophy, and human experience." Check out their episodes about sperm, finding peace after the death of a child, and the life of a baby born at 23 weeks.

Science Vs

"Science Vs takes on fads, trends, and the opinionated mob to find out what’s fact, what’s not, and what’s somewhere in between." Check out their episodes on abortion and attachment parenting.

You're Not Crazy, You're Sleep Deprived.

When I was in the final days of my first pregnancy, I thought, “I can handle being tired! At least once the baby’s born I can drink more than 6oz of coffee a day.” Fast forward to a few weeks after the baby was born and I was Googling, “Can you die from lack of sleep?”

I imagined sleep deprivation feeling like being really, really tired. I imagined yawning and stretching and looking forward to bed. The actual symptoms of sleep deprivation floored me. Being sleep deprived made me jittery, shaky, anxious, sad, confused, hungry, cold, overwhelmed, and, ironically, gave me insomnia. I forgot words. It amplified my social anxiety. There was no amount of coffee in the world that could make me feel anything close to normal. I felt like I was dying. I wondered if I had MS or a brain tumor.

I didn’t die. I survived and even decided to have another baby eventually. The second baby let me sleep more than the first, but there were (and are) still days when these feelings come flooding back.

Sleep deprivation symptoms:

• Changes in mood. Sleep deprivation makes new parents more susceptible to perinatal mood disorders.
   

• Decreased cognitive and motor function. A study suggests that people who haven’t slept for 18 hours have the same capacity as someone with a blood alcohol level of 0.1%.

• Metabolic and endocrine problems. Wondering why you feel so physically "off" when you're tired? Sleep deprivation can make you feel hungry and cold, among other things.

• Weakened immune system. 

• Insomnia. When your circadian rhythm is constantly disrupted it can make it hard to sleep, even when you’re exhausted and have time to do so.

So… what can be done?

• Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that a lot of what you’re feeling is sleep deprivation. Things will get better with time, and there are small changes you can make to help improvements happen more quickly.

• Help yourself get more sleep. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Take supplements like melatonin or magnesium. (Always check with your care provider first, especially if you’re breastfeeding!) Go outside during the daylight hours each day, and get a little exercise if you’re up for it.

• Help your baby get more sleep. Make sure you have a consistent bedtime routine. Work toward getting them on a regular schedule throughout the day. You may want to read a book about baby sleep habits, or contact a sleep consultant.

• Ask for help. Your friends and family want to help you. If you are uncomfortable asking, or feel like you need more comprehensive support, reach out to a postpartum doula.

SOURCES:
Sleep Deprivation: The Dark Side of Parenting by Alice Callahan (The Science of Mom)
The Walking Dead by Maria Konnikova (The New Yorker)
Yes, Your Sleep Schedule Is Making You Sick by Richard A. Friedman (The New York Times)

The stars appear each night in the sky. All is well.

What's a Postpartum Doula?

It is only in recent history that women and their partners have begun leaving their homes to give birth. They then return home days later to begin caring for their newborn and themselves, often completely alone. As a society we no longer live with or near immediate family. Friends may be able to drop off a meal or two but they are busy and spouses return to work days or maybe a couple of weeks after the baby is born. Where does this leave the new mother, who is often recovering from a challenging labor or cesarean delivery? And is learning to feed and nurture a new human? And is sleep deprived, hungry, and dehydrated? And is overwhelmed by the simplest tasks such as using the bathroom, showering, eating, and doing laundry? And is experiencing hormonal, physical, and existential shifts like she has never faced before?

This is where the postpartum doula comes in. Like a birth doula, a postpartum doula's primary goal is to provide physical and emotional support to the new mother and family. The doula's exact role will be unique to each client/doula relationship: she may cook and clean, care for siblings and pets, help with breast or bottle feeding, and/or offer words of advice, encouragement, and comfort. She might care for the baby while the new family rests, showers, or goes for a walk. Some postpartum doulas will stay overnight in your home to care for the baby in between feedings.

It's hard to understand how valuable this service is until you're home with your baby. Ask anyone you know with kids if they would have wanted a postpartum doula. I know I would have!

Find out more about my professional, compassionate, and unbiased support for mothers before, during, and after birth. 

The stars appear each night in the sky. All is well.

5 Thoughtful and Realistic Baby Shower Gifts

Confession: I, um, kind of hate baby showers. I've thought a lot about why, and I think it stems from what feels like a lack of acknowledgement about what it's really like to have a new baby. Onesies and tiny shoes are so cute, I know! But those only get you so far when you're bleeding, exhausted (and I mean exhausted), hungry, hormonal, and have just gone through the most powerful physical and existential shift you likely ever will. So here I suggest baby shower gifts that acknowledge and celebrate the transformation of mother and family after a new baby is born.

1. Postpartum Survival Kit

What you include in this will depend on your closeness with the recipient, and whether they plan to breast feed or not. Here are a few physical items that might make their first few weeks a little easier, and that they might not have thought to stock up on themselves: nipple cream and reusable breast pads, nursing tea, menstrual pads, water bottle and Emergen-c, non-perishable snacks, Tucks pads, stool softener, books or movies... and you can hide affirmations in her box of pads so she gets a little boost when she needs it most. ("You're a perfect mother for your baby." "Your baby is so lucky to have you." "You are enough.")

2. Luxurious Loungewear

OK, so this category certainly doesn't cover "essentials" the way that others do, but how nice would it be to get something that would make you feel beautiful and comfortable while you snuggle your new baby? Soft pants, drapy cardigans, cozy robes; there are many alternatives to traditional maternity or postpartum clothing that can be such a treat.

3. Food. FOOD.

Food, glorious food. Postpartum, nursing me was the hungriest version of me I've ever known. I thought about food all the time, and I almost always craved something warm, savory, and homemade. But, of course, my husband and I rarely had the time, or head space, to plan and execute such a meal. I was forever grateful for the friends and family who delivered meals to us during that time. Here are some ways you can feed the person you love:

• Create and manage a meal train for them! Have meals delivered 4 times a week instead of everyday to eliminate food waste, find out if there are any dietary restrictions, and coordinate with the new family to figure out the best time and place for a drop off. 
• Give gift cards for local restaurants that do take out or delivery. Or, if they live in a rural area like me, to a grocery store where they can get pre-made food to go.
• If you do live nearby and want to bring a meal or two, avoid saying, "I'd love to bring you a meal, let me know when you want one!" Instead say, "I am going to drop dinner off on Wednesday. Does that work?" It's much easier to accept a gift when it doesn't feel like a choice!

4. Household Essentials

This gift would be... bold and awesome. Here's what I'm picturing: toothpaste, tooth brushes, shampoo, toilet paper, soap, dish soap, paper towels, the list could go on!  The category really being: things-they-might-run-out-of-and-replacing-them-will-feel-like-an-insurmountable-obstacle-to-deal-with-in-the-moment.

5. Extra Help

"It takes a village..." We hear this all the time, but so often new families are utterly alone in the world after their baby is born. Extended family lives far away, local friends have their own lives to attend to, and partners, and often even new mothers, need to return to work shortly after the baby is born. This is a societal problem that needs to be addressed, but until major changes in our family leave policies are enacted, we're stuck with what we've got. A wonderful gift would be to hire a housekeeper, a postpartum doula, a dog-walker, a babysitter or mother's helper for older children, someone to shovel or rake the yard, or anyone else you can pay to do any of the tasks it takes to run a household (and a life) that become nearly impossible when you have a new baby.

I'd love to hear your ideas for unconventional shower gifts!

BOOKS: friends suggest titles for when you're trapped beneath a baby

The "fourth trimester," or first 3-4 months of your baby's life will be strange. You will likely have many conflicting emotions; joy and dread, empowerment and self-consciousness, and, perhaps the hardest for me to reconcile, boredom and feeling totally overwhelmed. One way that I dealt with this was by reading... books! Especially with my first son I read a lot of books while nursing and holding a sleeping baby. I reached out to some of my friends to get suggestions for what they enjoyed reading during their fourth trimesters:

The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker

This might seem like a strange pick for a postpartum read. It’s a coming-of-age story about what happens to humanity when the days and nights get longer and longer and longer. The longer stretches of darkness and daylight impact circadian rhythms, ecological systems, and ultimately create a post-apocalyptic world. The story was everything I needed for that moment in my life; interesting, exciting, readable, and not too heavy or dark.
Recommended by Nina (me!), mother to Caleb (4) and Asher (1)  

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Gilead, which won the 2005 Pulitzer Prize, is a series of letters by a dying father in the 1950s to his young son. The letters explore his memories of his life's joys and sorrows as well as his daily life and love for his little boy. I found the book's unique exploration of family relationships very healing and inspiring during the early postpartum days.
Recommended by Whitney, mother to Leon (3) and Geno (1)

The Royal We by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan

The Royal We is a total fluff book about an American girl engaged to be married to the heir to the English throne. It's very Kate and William (if Kate were American, that is), and I loved it.
Recommended by Abby, mother to Mae (1)

The Science of Mom: A Research-based Guide to Your Baby’s First Year by Alice Callahan, PhD

The Science of Mom was a tremendous resource and comfort for me in those early months. All those questions you go searching the internet for about your new baby - handling initial care decisions in the hospital, early development, feeding, sleep, sleep, sleep, more about feeding and more about sleep, vaccines, starting solid foods and most importantly, making sense of all the information you're reading - Callahan is there to help with a calming, evidence-based hand. She gives you the straight science within the context of powerful personal experience and understanding, like a wise older sister who is also an experienced scientist.
Recommended by Amy, mother to Isaac (1)

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding edited by Judy Torgus

I loved "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding." While it was pretty heavy on "breast is best," it was the first book I ever read that made it seem like nursing isn't always effortless, that nursing a baby could mean exclusively breastfeeding or a just a teaspoon of breastmilk a day in addition to formula. It was so comforting to me, it took a lot of the pressure off. I had to supplement here and there around 4 months and it was The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding that opened my eyes to that being normal and ok, that I could keep going and supplement or not supplement.
Recommended by Sarah, mother to Georgie (7) and Leif (1)

...and more suggestions:
I'll Be Seeing You by Suzanne Hayes
In the Woods by Tana French
What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen
(Thank you Kate and Laura!)